Hot Tub Mystery Religion Dispatch #3

“Do not disturb my circles!” –last words attributed to Archimedes

“I believe I will dip my pink-and-white body in yon Roman tub. I feel a bit gritty after the affairs of the day.” -W. C. Fields

Of the secrets of the Tub, none may be more important than buoyancy. Archimedes of Syracuse, perhaps the greatest scientist and mathematician of classical antiquity, discovered the principle roughly 23 centuries ago. According to the Roman writer Vitruvius, when King Hiero II of Syracuse was presented with a golden votive crown, he suspected that the cunning goldsmith had adulterated his gift by mixing silver into it. Vexed by the possibility, he summoned his relative Archimedes and posed the problem to him.

Archimedes was baffled by the proposition that he accomplish this task without damaging the crown, which precluded melting it for further measurement. After much pondering, he sought relaxation in a hot tub. Upon observing the displacement of water as he reclined into his warm bath, he was struck by a flash of inspiration: the amount of water displaced is equal to the volume of the object displacing it. In the test case, the density of the votive crown would be less if cheaper metal lacking gold’s density had been added. So great was his delight, that Archimedes leapt naked from his hot tub and ran through the streets of Syracuse howling, “Eureka! Eureka!” (“I found it!”).

While it is perhaps most useful to regard buoyancy as the upward acting force generated by fluid pressure, we would be remiss not to consider the buoyancy of mood and spirit that Archimedes enjoyed as he relaxed in his hot bath. This less tangible buoyancy triggered the thinker’s observation and subsequent nude romp. So it may be said that one kind of buoyancy engenders a more subtle form, irrepressible good spirits and the ability to respond to increasing pressure by floating above it.

For the Epopts and Orgonauts of the Hot Tub Mystery Religion, the tub or hot spring represents the equilibrium of the four elements of the classical world: Earth, Air, Fire and Water. To this we add the quintessence, that fifth element engendered by deep relaxation and somatic bliss in a hot tub: buoyancy. One may note the discord present when one of the elements is missing from this experience, as with the cynical philosopher Diogenes, who dwelt in a dry tub, when not wandering in broad daylight with a lamp seeking an honest man. “Discourse on virtue and they pass by in droves. Whistle and dance the shimmy, and you've got an audience.” Diogenes complained. To this we can only add that it’s easier to gather an audience when freshly bathed in hot water, shimmy notwithstanding.